.....and by the way....

Starting this journey.

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 01:15:41 GMT

Its so fucking scary to think about. I don't want to do this.. and I know, this is only the beginning.. I am alone in this... I know..

I don't want to be sick... Im strong.. I can do this.. I will beat it.. I know I will..

cancer.

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 23:44:50 GMT

This morning, at about 10am. I get a call... "can you come down to our office so we can give you your results from your papsmear you took on tuesday?"... I was like "wow! that was fast! I will be right there!" .. I just figured they were gonna tell me "...and by the way congrats! you have HPV! wooo" something I already knew... have known for YEARS. ... yeah YEARS. Thats where I have fucked up.

So I get there, I walk in. Im cracking witty jokes with the receptionist.. They bring me in.. ask me "How are you Veronica? Wanna have a seat"
I reply... "Im great! and yourself?" and I sit... I figure shes gonna start out with "So... you have HPV! " .... I was wrong...

It was more like .."Veronica, are you familiar with the term cancerous systic leasions?" hmmmm "NO!"
" Veronica, you have a rather large tumor growing on the right side of your cervix as well as a few small ones that seem to be bursting and making more pop up as it spreads"

I cried... alot. .

Then she went on to ask me... "How do you feel about Radiation?" .. I said "I refuse... Radiation, its never precise.. Im not putting the people I love through torment of watching me suffer for years as I get rid of it and it comes back, I would rather just die. "

She then explained that what they could do is a capolscapy, to see if the cancer is actually on my cervix.. then from there.. If its only in the tumors, the tumors may be able to just be cut off, laser'd off.. etc. if Its on my cervix... I have to have a hysterectomy... at 22. .

I don't want to die. ...

Never goin back...

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 01:50:57 GMT

I got a tattoo for you today.....

Its lyrics from coco rosie - werewolf.

I got em to remind me.. of how much I loved you.. and how I WILL NEVER go back.

"werewolf"

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 21:55:29 GMT

In a dream I was a werewolf
My soul was filled with crystal light
Lavender ribbons of rain sang
Ridding my heart of mortal fight

Broken sundown fatherless showdown
Gun hip swollen lip bottle sip yeah I suck dick
Lose grip on gravity falls sky blinding crumbling walls
River sweep away my memories of
Children’s things a young mother’s love
Before the yearning song of flesh on flesh
Young hearts burst open wounds bleed fresh
A young brother skinny and tall my older walks
Oceanward and somber, slumber sleeping
Flowers in the water,
But I’m just his daughter
Walking down an icy grave
leading to my Schizophrenic father.
Weeping willow won’t you wallow louder
Searching for my father’s power

I’ma shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

He’s a black magic wielder some say a witch
Wielded darkness when he was wilein’ on his mom’s
And born child and he was the bastard that broke
Up the marriage evil doer doing evil from a baby carriage
And he was born with the same blue eyes
Crystal ships dripping with ice, diamonds coruscate
In the night fireworks electric bright
And now he’s got his own two sons
Tried to hide his tearz in a world of fun
But loveless bedrooms filled with doom
Bring silent heartache July to June
Swoon over new young hot flame
Mourn the memories later
Laugh now aligator

Oh in a dream
My father came to me
And made me swear that I’d keep
What sacred to me
And if I get the choice
To live in his name
I pray my way through the Rain
Singing Oh happy day

I don’t mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left staind on my sheets and stains
On my soul
You left me broke down beggin for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who’s deranged
He had your hands and my father’s face
Another western vampire different time same place
I had dreams that brings me sadness
Pain much deep that a river
Sorrow flow through me in tiny waves of shivers
Corny movies make me reminisce
Breat me down easy on this generic love shit
First kiss frog and princess

please let go...

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 01:11:56 GMT

I can still feel her all around me. I feel how she feels, I feel her when she does things that aren't so great.. I can't take it anymore. I miss her and love her so much. The pain... it's fucking unbearable!

I try, I try and I keep trying to suppress all of this. Bury it so deep, so that even I believe it's gone and I will never find it again. . .

It's funny the things you hear when you're in a state like this... just walking past a complete stranger. Im so sick of hearing people ask me..

"are you okay?"
"are you lost?"

No!!! Im not fucking okay!!! and YES... I AM FUCKING LOST!!!

will it end soon?

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 08:30:11 GMT

I'm so sleepy........ Why do i keep waking up.. in a panic, sobbing, then hysterical...can't breath....

Maybe its because she text'd me right before i fell asleep.
she said "I've been studying all day... I'm going to bed now"
i said..." well... sweet dreams... good night"
she said.."you too."

this is so cold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not us! we have been talking to each other like we never even loved each other. We speak like we know nothing of ourselves or each other!! I hate this. I haven't felt this lost and insecure since I was a child. Never ever again... ever...please make it end soon. I don't wanna feel like this

and it comes and goes in waves....

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 22:10:06 GMT

Waking up first thing at 6 am in the middle of an emotional break down, having a full fledge anxiety attack, is probably not the best way to start your day. . .

All I can think is... why?

what did I do?

Where did it all go wrong?

These are answers I will never know. and.. Im still lost.

Julie Nichols.

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 02:05:44 GMT

so... this is a story about love.... hope you gotta minute, its long...

It all began October 26th 2007. I was lookin around on the infamous "everyone else's space", just jumping from profile to profile and came across the most perfect girl I had ever seen. She was indie, 80's, had jet black hair with a smile that could solve world hunger..holy diver..
Her name was Julie, shortly after my friend request was excepted it was only hours before we actually met.. oh the fireworks, we sat and talked for hours on end about nothing and everything all at the same time, yet we maintained this perfect understanding of each other. My heart fluttered and pounded in tunes I had never heard. "God help me" I thought... "She's the one..."

Time and time goes on and it only gets better and better. We went out together, movies, clubs, dinner, mid day feasts at the local taqueria, midnite trips to walmart, parks, shopping, family holidays and one awesome trip to monterey..... the place where the sky blends in with the water in a magnificent painting. Our love, our life together... it was never ending bliss...

Then... one day... I started to feel very insecure about myself, I was convinced by a mutual friend of ours that Julie had kissed another girl on my birthday. I was not okay with it. Being the OCD capricorn that I am, I obsessed on it and it drove me mad and made me moody and not trust Julie. We broke up soon there after.... for a week, but none the less the worst week of my life. At the end of that week, we both had found that we loved ourselves and loved eachother, and didn't want to live without eachother ...

Febuary 19th 2008, Julie's mother falls ill and suffers from pulminary arrest, caused by the flu. She left us... How could I walk Julie through this?

Everything changes... everyone is crushed. The world is dark, lonely.. cold... everyone is lost. Including myself....

March 14th, 2008...... Julie says " I can't do us anymore. . . "

Im lost.

and this is why......

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 23:42:26 GMT

I came to be on live journal, pretty much out of boredom. I am a professional body piercer, whom now works in a shop with very little volume. It gets very boring. .. I can only dance around in the window to chromeo, make a fool of myself, and clean the whole world over and over again so many times in one day before I wanna shoot myself, ya know? Not to mention, I once had a profile on the infamous "myspace", But I decided to get rid of it, once my "myspace" became, EVERYONE else's space. sick.. . But there is one thing I miss most about my "everyone elses space", and that is my blog =)

So here it is.... my live journal... read read away... Im no poet, but I can throw down a pretty intense rant from time to time.